Heart Condition Intro

HEART: organ that circulates blood; the vital center of one's being, emotions and sensibilities.

I am not interested in telling people what they should or should not wear.  I am not interested in telling people what they should and should not do.  I am certainly not interested in telling people how much money they should make or not make.  But God has given me a passion to talk to people about the condition of their heart. 

At the core of every person, if you look deep enough, you find the truth.  This truth lies in their hearts.  You cannot see it from the outside.  It is not obvious to the naked eye.  Facial expressions cannot give it away.  Only God can see what truly lies in the heart of a woman or a man.

We carry all sorts of emotions inside of our hearts that are attached to memories from our past.  Our mind and our heart communicate with one another constantly.  For Example: Our mind recalls a traumatizing memory from our past and immediately in our heart, we feel ashamed, afraid, angry abandoned or insecure. 

We want someone to actually know and understand the real us.  We want them to know what is in our heart, then choose to love us anyway.  The problem is, many of us do not believe that if we allowed someone to see the entirety of what we hold in our hearts, that they would love us enough to stick around afterwards.  If someone could see my envy, fear, hurt, lust, insecurity, greed, anxiety or selfishness would they still love me?

So there are a few ways that we deal with our emotional heart condition. 

Some people build up walls of steel around their hearts.  They let no one near it for fear of exposure and vulnerability.  Trusting no one, they keep everyone at a distance.  Other people have found themselves in a cycle of giving their entire heart away and regretting it over and over again.  They hold nothing back. When they meet a new person, whether it be a romantic relationship or even a friendship, they pour out all of the details of their life onto that person.  They may secretly be hoping that by giving so much of themselves emotionally, that person will now feel like they owe them something for the investment. 

Then their are those who we wish we could be.  They love themselves.  They love others.  They have their boundaries but they have not cut off their ability to become deeply intimate with another person.  These are the people who have the ability to fall in love, get married, stay married and live as an example to those around them of what love actually looks like.  They have healthy friendships and they make great parents.

How can we go from merely surviving our emotional heart condition to walking around this earth with a strong, healthy heart, ready to love deeply but at the same time remain guarded against manipulation or abuse?  What if I told you that your heart in itself was created by God for a purpose?  It has not yet begun to serve it's actual purpose... which is why it is so messed up right now.

What I love about Jesus was the fact that when he had conversations with people, he always went straight to the condition of their heart.  The person usually wanted to talk about surface issues, but he would direct the conversation to where it really mattered... their heart. 

Why?  He loves us.  He is a mighty God who just so happens to be a heart surgeon.   It  saddens him to see us carrying around the hurt inside of our hearts that we mask with smiles.  He is a healer and he specializes in restoring what has been damaged.  He sees more for us and for our future than we could ever imagine, but we will continue to hold ourselves back from the life that He can give us until we allow Him to heal and restore our hearts.

As  I was preparing for this blog, I found WAY too much in scripture to make this a one part blog.  So I'll call this the intro and I will release it in parts.  This study is blessing me and I hope it blesses you along the way.

Lord Jesus,

Thank You for being a perfect savior and a master healer.  Thank You for loving us enough to bring this up so we can deal with it.  I pray for myself and for each person reading this blog with me... that you would search our hearts and show us what's inside.  Whatever needs to be healed Lord, I pray that you would expose it and show us how to experience healing in that area.  Let your words come through this blog and speak to those people who you had in mind when you put this on my heart.

Amen.

Yes... that is a missing finger you are staring at...

When I was 2 years old, my Dad brought me with him to the gym.  This was a small gym in a small town and they had an area for kids.  It was not an official daycare... just a table with some coloring books.  I wandered over to where he was working out and stuck my little tiny 2 year old finger in the chain of the machine which pulled it through the pulley and crushed it off.  I was flown to a hospital in San Francisco where they specialize in reattaching limbs.  They tried to reattach my finger but it was not successful.  My veins would not connect to bring blood to the damaged tip.  So I grew up missing the tip of my left middle finger.

Kids can be so mean.  I heard so many different names growing up.  I tried as hard as I could to hide it. I moved schools often, so I always had to go through the process of seeing other people find out about it for the first time.  I never knew how they would react.  Some people notice it and immediately ask about it.  That is actually my favorite response.  Other people notice it and they are afraid to ask about it, so I notice them glancing at it often.  Then there were those kids who were actually so bothered by it that they made it their daily goal to make my life a living hell because of it.

As I got older, I became such an expert at hiding it that I rarely got asked about it.

So why am I writing a blog about it?  I want to talk about insecurities today.  We all have them.  Besides my missing finger, as a child I was insecure about my weight, my clothes and my hair.  As a teenager this got worse and as an adult it has lingered with me through the years.

Nothing was consistent in my life.  Sometimes I lived with my Dad.  Sometimes I lived with my Mom. Sometimes I lived in Elk Grove.  Sometimes I lived in Stockton.  Sometimes I lived in Citrus Heights, Rancho Cordova or San Diego (if you count Summers visiting my Mom.)

One thing that was always consistent was my insecurity with myself.  How can I be good enough?  How can I make sure to be in the right group of friends at this school?  How will I be accepted?  How can I make sure to hide my finger?  How will I lose weight?  How will guys like me?  How will I dress in style when my parents cannot afford what other parents can afford?

The summer between 7th and 8th grade I was going through a crisis in my home life.  It wasn't my crisis... but it became my crisis.  I decided to go on an extreme diet.  That was one thing, in all of the craziness, that I could control.  I lost about 10-15lbs in about 2 weeks.  My first day back to school in 8th grade, it was like a was a whole new person.  All of the sudden guys were noticing me and girls wanted to hang out with me.

So I learned a lesson, a sad lie that so many believe from the enemy: 
If you want people to love you, all you have to do is be beautiful.

I repeated this same exact thing during the summer between my Sophomore and Junior year of High School.  This time I did more than just lose weight.  I also got really tan and my Mom bought me a whole new wardrobe from all of the stores that I had always wanted to shop at.  I was HOT!!!  You should have seen the looks I was getting walking down the hallways of Lincoln High School.  I felt such a sense of momentary satisfaction with this new attention I was getting.

It was harder and harder to keep off the weight and I was not willing to gain it back.  So I began binging and purging to keep off the weight.  In other words, I became bulimic.  I did it before school and after school.  Sometimes 4-5 times per day.

But... everybody loved how I looked.

I ended up getting myself into some really bad situations due to my desire for attention, affection and love.  I was so insecure that I was doing almost anything to try and prove to myself and to those around me that I was just as valuable as they were.

Fast forward to the present: This is why I do Jr. High and Sr. High Ministry.

You see, I had no one pouring into my life at this crucial age.  I was left to fend for myself in this cruel world looking for approval, acceptance and love.  I ended up in a very controlling relationship my Junior and Senior year of High School because I had finally found someone who wanted to stick by me through thick and thin.  He was my everything.  I don't mean that in a good way.  He only allowed me to be with him, that was why he was my everything.  He was jealous of his own guy friends talking to me, he was jealous of me sitting in class or talking to people at lunch.  He was even jealous of me having time with any of my girl friends.  Before I knew it, he was controlling my life.

Spending time with teenagers has caused me to reflect on these things that I went through in life.  I am not going to lie, I still struggle with insecurities.  The difference is that they have lost their power over me.  How is that possible?  Well, if you get down to the bottom of it, you will find that the very purpose of my life is to bring glory, attention and affection to Jesus Christ.

Huhhhhhh???

Well... I wake up in the morning wanting to praise God and wanting to know how I can help others to desire Him as much as I do.  So with that purpose in mind... it really doesn't matter that I have gained 10 pounds, I have been breaking out lately or that I am missing a finger.  I find joy in the fact that I have been bringing glory to God and He is pleased with me.

I shower my love and affection on Him and He showers His love and affection on me.

God has shown himself to me in such a way that I feel secure in Him.  I feel secure because He loves me.  He is my Father and I am therefore, royalty.  This body was meant to be despised because I am only borrowing it for a brief time until I finally get to be with my savior for eternity and he gives me a new heavenly body, more glorious than anything I can imagine at this time.  Someday I will be made perfect for ever and ever.

But that someday is not today.  It is not on this earth.  I will never be perfect on this earth.  I would hate to waste my life away trying to be beautiful, while truly becoming uglier and uglier on the inside.

You know the crazy part?  I see pictures of myself in the past and think, "Man, I looked hot back then."       But I also remember how I felt about myself at that time and the demons that I was struggling with.  It was not worth it.  Now I don't fit that same cookie cutter mold of beauty that I used to think was necessary, but guess what?

I feel beautiful.  I feel sooooooooooooooooooooo lovely and beautiful.  My husband loves me.  My daughter loves me.  Most importantly, God Himself loves me and He is pleased with me.  I hang onto that.  It is now okay with me if someone calls me fat or makes fun of my partially missing finger.  It is okay with me because my security is not found in the opinions of outsiders.

My security is unshakable and it is found in Jesus Christ.

anxiety

Anyone who has ever suffered from anxiety can actually

feel it momentarily just hearing the word...

 Anxiety. 

 You hear it and something inside your core remembers and feels that sinking, painful, fearful and worrisome feeling deep down inside.  When I hear it, the first thing that comes to mind is suffering.  Suffering in my mind, and in my thoughts... heart pounding restlessness.  It happens when circumstances are completely out of our control.  We are doing everything we can humanly do to change or improve our situation and it is not enough.  Things aren't looking too good.  As Christians, we have a choice to make in this moment.  Will we choose to get distant and angry with God for not stepping in and changing things yet?  Or will we submit to his authority anyway?  Not only submit to his authority... but will we stand upon his promises?  You see, we have been given great and precious promises from the Almighty God himself.  We are not supposed to just merely exist somehow... we are meant to overcome.  In this world we will have trouble, but we can take heart in the fact that... our savior has already overcome this world.  If we are not spending time in his word, we are unaware of his great and precious promises and we lose the power that he has already given us.  We lose the power to use his very own words in our prayers so that they are powerful and effective to create change. 

This morning I was extremely exhausted.  I have had a hard week at work.  I have worked and worked as hard as I could and hardly sold a thing.  In sales, this is a seriously bad thing.  You see, the month is halfway over already and I am running out of time.  I need to perform.  If I do not perform, I am of no use to my employer.  That is just how it is.  That is the business world.  This is usually where my anxiety creeps in.  This is when I would normally get sleepless nights, my mind racing full of thoughts about what I could have done differently, or what more I can do to change what is happening right now.  How will we pay our bills if I don't perform? 

So back to this morning... I was exhausted.  I had a back ache, a head ache and my whole body felt as if I had been hit by a mack truck.  But guess who wasn't tired? 

My little ball of energy, Mikayla.

"Mommy, you need to wake up!  Who's gonna feed me breakfast Mommy?  Papi is not home yet, you need to feed me breakfast, I'm starving!!!"  O.k. seriously, she ate dinner last night, she is being a little dramatic.  Nonetheless, like a zombie, I walked to the kitchen and poured her a bowl of cereal just to get her to stop bothering me!!!  I drank my coffee and watched her eat and remembered a bible story I had just read the day before...

"Then Jesus said to them, “Suppose you have a friend, and you go to him at midnight and say, ‘Friend, lend me three loaves of bread; a friend of mine on a journey has come to me, and I have no food to offer him.’ And suppose the one inside answers, ‘Don’t bother me. The door is already locked, and my children and I are in bed. I can’t get up and give you anything.’  I tell you, even though he will not get up and give you the bread because of friendship, yet because of your shameless audacity he will surely get up and give you as much as you need.  “So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. “Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion?  If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”  -Luke 11:5-13

What if all of the energy we wasted worrying and

being anxious about our problems was spent

bothering God about them with shameless audacity instead? 

I know it sounds crazy to say, "bothering God".  He is not bothered by our prayers, in fact he actually yearns for us to seek him in every situation.  My point is... instead of looking to ourselves and not finding the answer... we could project our fears and worries to the only one who does have the power and authority to save us. 

David did that very thing many times throughout the Psalms...

Psalm 22

 My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
    Why are you so far from saving me,
    so far from my cries of anguish?
² My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer,
    by night, but I find no rest.^[b]

³ Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One;
    you are the one Israel praises.^[c]
4 In you our ancestors put their trust;
    they trusted and you delivered them.
⁵ To you they cried out and were saved;
    in you they trusted and were not put to shame.

⁶ But I am a worm and not a man,
    scorned by everyone, despised by the people.
⁷ All who see me mock me;
    they hurl insults, shaking their heads.
⁸ “He trusts in the Lord,” they say,
    “let the Lord rescue him.
Let him deliver him,
    since he delights in him.”

⁹ Yet you brought me out of the womb;
    you made me trust in you, even at my mother’s breast.
¹⁰ From birth I was cast on you;
    from my mother’s womb you have been my God.

¹¹ Do not be far from me,
    for trouble is near
    and there is no one to help.

¹² Many bulls surround me;
    strong bulls of Bashan encircle me.
¹³ Roaring lions that tear their prey
    open their mouths wide against me.
¹⁴ I am poured out like water,
    and all my bones are out of joint.
My heart has turned to wax;
    it has melted within me.
¹⁵ My mouth^[d] is dried up like a potsherd,
    and my tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth;
    you lay me in the dust of death.

¹⁶ Dogs surround me,
    a pack of villains encircles me;
    they pierce^[e] my hands and my feet.
¹⁷ All my bones are on display;
    people stare and gloat over me.
¹⁸ They divide my clothes among them
    and cast lots for my garment.

¹⁹ But you, Lord, do not be far from me.
    You are my strength; come quickly to help me.
²⁰ Deliver me from the sword,
    my precious life from the power of the dogs.
²¹ Rescue me from the mouth of the lions;
    save me from the horns of the wild oxen.

²² I will declare your name to my people;
    in the assembly I will praise you.
²³ You who fear the Lord, praise him!
    All you descendants of Jacob, honor him!
    Revere him, all you descendants of Israel!
²⁴ For he has not despised or scorned
    the suffering of the afflicted one;
he has not hidden his face from him
    but has listened to his cry for help.

²⁵ From you comes the theme of my praise in the great assembly;
    before those who fear you^[f] I will fulfill my vows.
²⁶ The poor will eat and be satisfied;
    those who seek the Lord will praise him—
    may your hearts live forever!

²⁷ All the ends of the earth
    will remember and turn to the Lord,
and all the families of the nations
    will bow down before him,
²⁸ for dominion belongs to the Lord
    and he rules over the nations.

²⁹ All the rich of the earth will feast and worship;
    all who go down to the dust will kneel before him—
    those who cannot keep themselves alive.
³⁰ Posterity will serve him;
    future generations will be told about the Lord.
³¹ They will proclaim his righteousness,
    declaring to a people yet unborn:
    He has done it!

David was in the regular habit of pouring his heart out to God.  He did not hold back his frustrations and concerns from his prayer life.  He was not praising God with fake and empty "Hallelujahs" while inside really feeling forgotten, bitter and full of pain.  No, he went to God with his pain and his concerns.  He brought everything to the table, then he praised him anyway.  He asked God "Why?" Basically, "Why are you letting all hell break loose in my life?"  But then he resolved that no matter what, he served a God who was holy and just and sovereign, who deserved praise whether we understand the "why" or not.  At the end of this psalm, he proclaims the victory that God will have when he does come through. 

Don't you think God wants us to be real with him?  Have you ever met someone who was always doing "great thanks and how are you?"  I mean literally, every time you ask them how they are doing, that is the answer?  I bet all they are to you is an aquantance right?  They would have to be, because a true close friend, when they are suffering, you can look at their face and know that something is wrong.  When you ask them what is wrong, there is a certain sensetivity that they have towards you, because you are their friend, they might even cry just because they know you can see the hurt and they know that they cannot hide it from you.  Maybe it is the fact that they know you actually care about what their answer will be.  You actually want to listen and be there for them.  Your friend knows you are not seeking a "great thanks, how about you" kind of an answer.

God does not enjoy watching us suffer through the week, then go to church on Sunday with all our pain inside of us, singing the words of the worship songs without feeling them inside of our hearts.  He wants the real us.  He wants to be intimate with us, not our aquantance.  He is not looking for us to say, "I'm great God, thanks for asking, I could sing of your love forever, Lord you are good and your mercy endures forever, I lift my hands in the sanctuary,  I am a friend of God."  Then get back in our car and drive back into our real, true life of burdens, pain and anxiety.  Are we only a Christian on the surface?  Or are we allowing God to come all the way in and touch every aspect of our lives?

One of my long time favorite scriptures...

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."   -Philippians 4:6-7

Stop demanding your requests of yourself!  Present them to God!  Don't hold them back from him!  You don't need to do him any favors.  He does not need your help. It is not glorifying him to do it on your own.  What is it that we have such a hard time understanding about the fact that he actually wants to help us?  He wants the credit for our success.  Then, after we have the victory over the situation, we will point our finger up to heaven and declare, "It was the Lord who did this for me."

He wants to hear how we are feeling because he loves us.  He cares about our situation enough to want to listen.  This verse says, "by prayer and petition".  When I hear the word petition, I think of those people who stand outside of stores holding a clipboard and a pen.  They bother everyone going inside and out.  "Help support this initiative..." or "Help stop this from happening."  It can be annoying right?  But they are so persistent!  On our way into the store we might tell them we don't have time, but then on our way out of the store, you can bet they will be asking again. 

That is the kind of persistence God is looking for.  Don't just pretend to present your requests to God... really do it!  Really expect him to help you and he will.  Bother Him with shameless audacity.  "God, remember yesterday when I told you I need your help?  I still need it God! I'm still waiting, I am desperate for your help and I know I will not accomplish any good thing without you!" 

"...And the peace of God, which transends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Ahhh... the peace of God.  This is what has caused Christians all over the world from generation to generation to shout out praises to God from the depths of their souls.  They can remember a time where peace didn't make sense... All hell was breaking loose in their life.   But they called upon the name of the Lord.  They presented their requests to God and they experienced a supernature peace that just didn't make any sense whatsoever.  The peace of God, brought to you by none other than the Holy Spirit.  This peace causes anxiety to flee from you, even if you are still in the midst of your storm.  His peace says to you, "you are safe in my hands" even though you are unsure of what the outcome of your struggle is going to be.  This peace causes non-beleivers to look at you and think, hmmmm.... maybe, just maybe there is something to this Jesus she is always talking about. 

"I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
    where does my help come from?
 My help comes from the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven and earth."
-Psalm 121:1-2

4 the LOVE of $$$$$$$$$$ MONEY $$$$$$$$.....

Disclaimer:  I may say "You" a lot in this blog... that is only because I want you to examine yourself.  It is NOT because I think this does not apply to me.  I realize now that I have waisted years of my life LOVING MONEY.  Now that it has been revealed to me, I want to share this understanding so that maybe someone else can learn it a little bit faster than I did.   


Shhhhh..... This is the sin that we don't like to talk about out loud in church....

"For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs."  -1 Timothy 6:10

"Now the overseer is to be above reproach, faithful to his wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach,not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money.  He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him, and he must do so in a manner worthy of full respect." -1 Timothy 3:3

"But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days.    People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people. "
-2 Timothy 3:1-5

^"Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.   Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”

 So we say with confidence,“The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?”   -Hebrews 13:4-6

Do you love money more than you love God?


It's easy to quicky reply, "No, of course not" because we know that's what we are SUPPOSED to say.  But before mentally checking out and ASSUMING you are free from this sin that so easily entangles the majority of humanity.... make yourself keep reading.  Examine yourself today.  If you don't, a day will come when you will be examined, so it would be better for you to deal with it now. 

When we think of GREED, or "lovers of money"... we automatically think of the Donald Trumps and other Wall Street Fat Cats of the world who have way more money than us.  We compare ourselves to them and determine....

"I must be ok because I only have what is 'normal' considering the 'status quo' of society." 


Or... here is a dangerous way of thinking:


"I work really hard, so I deserve to at least have _________." 


Has God ever called you to a purpose that you knew at the time was a real true calling on your life?  What happened to that?  Why are you not living it out right now?  I would venture to guess that it has something to do with being "financially impossible."  There is "just no time" in your work week to include that extra activity into your life.  You need to work the hours you are working because if you didn't, you could NOT AFFORD TO LIVE."


Well, what does that mean exactly?  What do you consider "living"?


If you have food to eat, shelter to keep you safe from a storm, and clothes to wear, are you not living?  Or does living consist of Cable TV, Internet, Cell Phones, Name Brands, daily Starbucks excursions, gym memberships, tanning memberships, acrylic nails, expensive high maintenance hairstyles, a housekeeper, a  high car payment and a rent and/or house payment that breaks the bank but shouts to the world, "I have arrived"?


So the truth might be... you traded in the purpose to which God has called you, for THINGS.

How is your marraige?  How is your relationship with your children?  Do you find that you don't have the time and energy to invest as much effort into these relationships as they would require in order to thrive? 

Maybe you are trading in your family for THINGS. 

Maybe if we were willing to live with less... we would have more of ourselves to invest in things that are eternally more important in value. When we actually question ourselves on whether or not we are willing to give up some of the luxuries that we have considered necessities, we often come to the following 2 questions:


"But... What would people think???" 


"Why is it ok for 'Suzy So and So' to have all of these 'things' and still be used by God for a special purpose, but not me?"   

Now it's time to expose these questions for what their root stems from....


Envy:a feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to another's advantages, success, possessions, etc.

Pride: a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc.

Jealousy:a)jealous resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another's success or advantage itself. b)vigilance in maintaining or guarding something.

Coveting:a)to desire wrongfully, inordinately, or without due regard for the rights of others: to covet another's property.  b) to wish for, especially eagerly: "He won the prize they all coveted."

Greed:excessive or rapacious desire especially for wealth or possessions.


Beloved, hear me on this please....

Our standard is not based on each other, or even on the "most Christian" person that we know.  Our standard is Jesus Christ, who being in very nature, God, did not consider  equality with God as something to be grasped, but took on the very nature of a servant becoming obedient to death, even death on a cross!!!!

So when we stand before Him to give an account for our life... and He askes us why we did not fulfill the purpose that He so clearly spoke to us... what will we say?

"Well Jesus, I was doing as much as anyone else in my church was doing."

How well do you think that argument will hold up in his Holy court?

He knew that it would be hard for us to understand what holy living looks like, with so much corruption in the world.  So He did what was necessary to show us how to live. 

This leaves us no excuse for how we choose to live our life. 

Lets stop looking around the pews to compare ourselves with other Christians to decide what our spiritual temperature is.  We need to go straight to the word of God and allow Him to be Lord in our life. 

In the matter of "The love of money"...

What is the love of money holding you back from doing with your life?  What are you willing to give up to follow Christ? 

"But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith.   I want to know Christ —yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead." -Philippians 3:7-11

True Confessions of a Godless Whore...

Friday Morning I read a scripture that really stood out to me:

"The God of peace will soon crush Satan under your feet.

 The grace of our Lord Jesus be with you." -Romans 16:20

What an amazing statement of victory that we have in Christ.  I had finished the whole book of Romans between the night before and that morning.  I love Paul's letters to the churches. To me, he was such a passionate follower of Christ.  There was no grey area with him... no lukewarm.  I love that.  You either are a Christian, or you are not.  Whenever I start reading any of his letters to the churches in the New Testament, I can't put them down.  Something inside of me resonates with his words like my spirit is starving for this overwhelming nourishment and when I receive it, it makes me want to scream praises to God. When I read the divinely inspired words of the apostle Paul, it's like I am learning how to be a REAL CHRISTIAN, the kind who says and actually believes "For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain." -Philippians 1:21.

 It's so hard in this day and age to find them. 

So I posted that verse (Romans 16:20) as my status on Facebook.  I do that a lot of the time when a particular verse stands out as powerful and timely to me.  I realize that some of my Facebook friends might find it annoying, but I cannot let that stop me from posting what might make a difference in the life of just one person. 

After I posted it, someone who attended the same high school as me pasted a link to an e-card in the comment section. 

Here is the card:

How would you react?  My heart was pounding out of my chest and my adrenalin was running like I have not experienced in years.  It was not anger.  I was so excited and empowered!!!!  I felt like God was using me... using the truth of His goodness to me... to penetrate hearts.  What an open door to share my testimony!  My fingers typed away as my passion for Jesus Christ flowed out onto my next 2 Facebook status updates....

"It was just brought to my attention that my God Fearing Facebook status updates don't make people forget what a godless whore I was in high school. Well let's just put it out there: I was a godless whore in high school. And after high school for a few years as well!!!! THANK GOD for HIS AMAZING GRACE!!!!!!!!"

"What a rush! That was so exciting! Anyone else have dirty details about me to share??? I LOVE to give GLORY to GOD for how amazing HE IS!!! Come on people, I got way worse after high school!!!"

I was at home rejoicing over God's goodness to me and the freedom I have in Him.  It was a feeling that wouldn't make sense to someone who has never experienced the Holy Spirit as a real and present part of their life. 

You see... I have one of THOSE testimonies.... The kind that I can't share with everyone, because it is not always necessary for every person to know certain details.  In fact, certain details could do more harm than good in the imagination of men.  However, you put the right audience in front of me, women only, and you will see Satan crushed under my feet right before your eyes. 

All I can say is this.... God is good.  He is SO powerful and mighty.  He is SO faithful.  He has the ability to heal and restore in such a way that the past is not even a part of me anymore.  There is no love, no companionship and no intimacy with any other human being on earth that will ever compare. 

No one will ever take the place of God sitting on the throne of my heart. 

You see.... I had let many men sit there before.  It left me destroyed every time.  At 20 years old I had already made enough mistakes to feel thoroughly disgusted with myself.  I no longer recognized the girl who I saw in the mirror.  I had fallen far enough away from my savior to feel unworthy of coming back.  I did not deserve His love anymore.  How can a person who knows Jesus do this? 

I felt so ashamed of what I had become. 

I realized that I was like an addict to my sin.  Church once a week wasn't going to cut it for me.  That is like a drug addict wanting to quit, and only going rehab once a week. It was going to have to be an "all or nothing" come back to Christ.  So I signed myself up for Sacramento International Master's Commission at Harvest Church in Elk Grove, CA.  It was a full time, live in, discipleship training program for people who wanted "To Know God and Make Him Known." To me, these were the "Super-Christians" LOL.  Anyone who went through Maser's Commission knows why I am laughing. 

Seriously though, I was not a "Church Kid."  The extend of my religious upbringing was my mother praying with me every night that I would always have a close and personal relationship with God.  We only went to church like once or maybe twice a year.  I realize now that I was blessed by God with the gift of faith.  I believed in Jesus Christ with all my heart my entire life.  I may not have been living it... but the fact that He was Lord of all was as real to me as the sky being blue and coffee with coffee-mate creamer being amazing. 

When I filled out my application for Master's Commission, I had to answer some very personal questions like, "Have you ever ______?  When was the last time?"  Ummmm.... last week?  I was petrified.  I had to check "yes" on so many boxes that I knew for sure they would deny my application.  After all, these were the Super-Christians remember?  I hand delivered my application at the church.  I am sure I was wearing a short skirt and a spaghetti strap tank top because that was how I dressed every day back then. 

I met with 3 of the female staff members from Master's Commission with tears in my eyes as I pleaded with them... "I know my application looks really bad but you have to hear what I have to say! I love the Lord with all my heart and this is something I have to do!  You have to accept me into this program.  I swear I am serious about this!"  We were all sitting at this table in one of the church offices as I spoke to them.  They all just smiled at me as they listened.  Then they prayed for me.  I was in.

It was going to start in 3 months.  I had literally 3 months to transform into a "Super-Christian" so that I would not stand out like a sore thumb... or so I thought.  So I started with Genesis and began to read the bible from the beginning.  I had a lot of catching up to do with these Christians who had been Christians for their whole lives right?  By the time the 3 months was up, I was somewhere around Deuteronomy.  I had also read most of the New Testament.  I would spend hours worshipping God in my bedroom and writing in my prayer journal.  He was becoming my all. 

Here is the peculiar thing... about a month after the program started I realized something... I still stood out like a sore thumb, but not in the way I had expected.  It seemed to be the general consensus of the other students that I was just "too Christian."

Wow.

If only they knew what the extreme depths of my sin had been just 3 months prior.  I had been doing things that were so terrible that I felt unworthy to even be a part of the program.   I guess only another "godless whore" could really understand what it was like for Jesus Christ to accept me back into his love and then romance me like no man ever had before...

Jesus Anointed by a Sinful Woman...      Luke 7:36-50

 ³⁶ When one of the Pharisees invited Jesus to have dinner with him, he went to the Pharisee’s house and reclined at the table. ³⁷ A woman in that town who lived a sinful life learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee’s house, so she came there with an alabaster jar of perfume. ³⁸ As she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them.  ³⁹ When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, “If this man were a prophet, he would know who is touching him and what kind of woman she is—that she is a sinner.”
 ⁴⁰ Jesus answered him, “Simon, I have something to tell you.”
   “Tell me, teacher,” he said.
   ⁴¹ “Two people owed money to a certain moneylender. One owed him five hundred denarii,^[c] and the other fifty. ⁴² Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he forgave the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?”
 ⁴³ Simon replied, “I suppose the one who had the bigger debt forgiven.”
   “You have judged correctly,” Jesus said.
 ⁴⁴ Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. ⁴⁵ You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. ⁴⁶ You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. ⁴⁷ Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—as her great love has shown. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little.”
 ⁴⁸ Then Jesus said to her, “Your sins are forgiven.”
 ⁴⁹ The other guests began to say among themselves, “Who is this who even forgives sins?”
 ⁵⁰ Jesus said to the woman, “Your faith has saved you; go in peace.”

So you see... I am her.  I cannot stop pouring my love on Him because He has forgiven MUCH.  When I cry during worship at church or when I paste scriptures that glorify God on my Facebook... It is not because I want to be perceived as some self-righteous holier than-thou saint.  It is because I am so grateful for the mercy that God has shown me through Jesus Christ... it overflows out of me and I have to let it out or I feel like I will literally die. 

That may sound weird, I just can't think of any other wording to describe how it feels when the Holy Spirit fills a person with so much overwhelming JOY and LOVE and HOPE and GRATEFULNESS all at the same time... that it cannot be contained in a human body without being expressed in some sort of action of praise and worship.  It cannot be expressed in a way that is suttle and refined and dull like so many people view "religion" today.  It's too real for that.  

Only then, after I let it out.. do I feel relief.

I hope and pray that in some way, some how, by writing these blogs and by posting scriptures as status updates... somewhere, someone will be touched by the Holy Spirit that is at work within me and hear God tugging at their heart too. 

"²²This is what your Sovereign LORD says,
   your God, who defends his people:
“See, I have taken out of your hand
   the cup that made you stagger;
from that cup, the goblet of my wrath,
   you will never drink again.
²³ I will put it into the hands of your tormentors,
   who said to you,
   ‘Fall prostrate that we may walk on you.’
And you made your back like the ground,
   like a street to be walked on.” 

                                      -Isaiah 51:22-23