When I was 2 years old, my Dad brought me with him to the gym. This was a small gym in a small town and they had an area for kids. It was not an official daycare... just a table with some coloring books. I wandered over to where he was working out and stuck my little tiny 2 year old finger in the chain of the machine which pulled it through the pulley and crushed it off. I was flown to a hospital in San Francisco where they specialize in reattaching limbs. They tried to reattach my finger but it was not successful. My veins would not connect to bring blood to the damaged tip. So I grew up missing the tip of my left middle finger.
Kids can be so mean. I heard so many different names growing up. I tried as hard as I could to hide it. I moved schools often, so I always had to go through the process of seeing other people find out about it for the first time. I never knew how they would react. Some people notice it and immediately ask about it. That is actually my favorite response. Other people notice it and they are afraid to ask about it, so I notice them glancing at it often. Then there were those kids who were actually so bothered by it that they made it their daily goal to make my life a living hell because of it.
As I got older, I became such an expert at hiding it that I rarely got asked about it.
So why am I writing a blog about it? I want to talk about insecurities today. We all have them. Besides my missing finger, as a child I was insecure about my weight, my clothes and my hair. As a teenager this got worse and as an adult it has lingered with me through the years.
Nothing was consistent in my life. Sometimes I lived with my Dad. Sometimes I lived with my Mom. Sometimes I lived in Elk Grove. Sometimes I lived in Stockton. Sometimes I lived in Citrus Heights, Rancho Cordova or San Diego (if you count Summers visiting my Mom.)
One thing that was always consistent was my insecurity with myself. How can I be good enough? How can I make sure to be in the right group of friends at this school? How will I be accepted? How can I make sure to hide my finger? How will I lose weight? How will guys like me? How will I dress in style when my parents cannot afford what other parents can afford?
The summer between 7th and 8th grade I was going through a crisis in my home life. It wasn't my crisis... but it became my crisis. I decided to go on an extreme diet. That was one thing, in all of the craziness, that I could control. I lost about 10-15lbs in about 2 weeks. My first day back to school in 8th grade, it was like a was a whole new person. All of the sudden guys were noticing me and girls wanted to hang out with me.
So I learned a lesson, a sad lie that so many believe from the enemy:
If you want people to love you, all you have to do is be beautiful.
I repeated this same exact thing during the summer between my Sophomore and Junior year of High School. This time I did more than just lose weight. I also got really tan and my Mom bought me a whole new wardrobe from all of the stores that I had always wanted to shop at. I was HOT!!! You should have seen the looks I was getting walking down the hallways of Lincoln High School. I felt such a sense of momentary satisfaction with this new attention I was getting.
It was harder and harder to keep off the weight and I was not willing to gain it back. So I began binging and purging to keep off the weight. In other words, I became bulimic. I did it before school and after school. Sometimes 4-5 times per day.
But... everybody loved how I looked.
I ended up getting myself into some really bad situations due to my desire for attention, affection and love. I was so insecure that I was doing almost anything to try and prove to myself and to those around me that I was just as valuable as they were.
Fast forward to the present: This is why I do Jr. High and Sr. High Ministry.
You see, I had no one pouring into my life at this crucial age. I was left to fend for myself in this cruel world looking for approval, acceptance and love. I ended up in a very controlling relationship my Junior and Senior year of High School because I had finally found someone who wanted to stick by me through thick and thin. He was my everything. I don't mean that in a good way. He only allowed me to be with him, that was why he was my everything. He was jealous of his own guy friends talking to me, he was jealous of me sitting in class or talking to people at lunch. He was even jealous of me having time with any of my girl friends. Before I knew it, he was controlling my life.
Spending time with teenagers has caused me to reflect on these things that I went through in life. I am not going to lie, I still struggle with insecurities. The difference is that they have lost their power over me. How is that possible? Well, if you get down to the bottom of it, you will find that the very purpose of my life is to bring glory, attention and affection to Jesus Christ.
Huhhhhhh???
Well... I wake up in the morning wanting to praise God and wanting to know how I can help others to desire Him as much as I do. So with that purpose in mind... it really doesn't matter that I have gained 10 pounds, I have been breaking out lately or that I am missing a finger. I find joy in the fact that I have been bringing glory to God and He is pleased with me.
I shower my love and affection on Him and He showers His love and affection on me.
God has shown himself to me in such a way that I feel secure in Him. I feel secure because He loves me. He is my Father and I am therefore, royalty. This body was meant to be despised because I am only borrowing it for a brief time until I finally get to be with my savior for eternity and he gives me a new heavenly body, more glorious than anything I can imagine at this time. Someday I will be made perfect for ever and ever.
But that someday is not today. It is not on this earth. I will never be perfect on this earth. I would hate to waste my life away trying to be beautiful, while truly becoming uglier and uglier on the inside.
You know the crazy part? I see pictures of myself in the past and think, "Man, I looked hot back then." But I also remember how I felt about myself at that time and the demons that I was struggling with. It was not worth it. Now I don't fit that same cookie cutter mold of beauty that I used to think was necessary, but guess what?
I feel beautiful. I feel sooooooooooooooooooooo lovely and beautiful. My husband loves me. My daughter loves me. Most importantly, God Himself loves me and He is pleased with me. I hang onto that. It is now okay with me if someone calls me fat or makes fun of my partially missing finger. It is okay with me because my security is not found in the opinions of outsiders.
My security is unshakable and it is found in Jesus Christ.
"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." -Jeremiah 29:13
