Repenting from Pride: "Making Much of Me"

"Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting" -Psalm 139:23-24

Recently I have made some changes with how time is allocated in my life.  This had to happen or I was going to lose my mind.  I was overworked, burned out, exhausted, anxious, stressed, depressed and feeling a sense of emptiness that I couldn't handle anymore.  I knew that if I would have just entered into God's presence, he would have lifted my burdens.  The problem was... I already knew what would happen once I began to spend more time reading God's word, writing in my prayer journal and being intentional about having fellowship with other Christians.  I knew that once I truly allowed the Holy Spirit to help me, I would sense that I needed to make some big changes in my life. 

The last few years for Bryant and I have been a struggle financially.  I felt like I was slaving away, working like a dog, yet I was still always counting down the days until next payday.  It didn't make sense to me.  I have a very good job.  I mean, for someone with no college degree, I am so blessed to have the income that I have.  God truly found a little "niche" where I just happen to fit career-wise.  So then why were we ALWAYS broke? 

I found myself committing more and more of my time to my job, in hopes that all of my extra efforts would result in bigger and better commission checks.  "If I can just have a good month this month, and earn a big bonus, THEN everything will be better.  THEN I will have peace of mind. THEN I can focus on pursuing God's purpose for my life."

Then came the drought.  I had a period of time, where for 4 months I had horrible sales.  This means that my income was basically cut in half.  (Half of what I was already struggling with.)  I have to admit, I kind of lost it.  I felt like I was going crazy.  I hate not having control over my situation. 

I finally decided that living out the purpose that God intended for my life was the most important thing for me to do.  I could not lie to myself anymore and think that if I just try harder I will be able to balance it all.  I needed to make a change for the sake of my own peace of mind, my marriage, my family and for whatever ministry God would have me do once I actually had some time for something other than work. 

Please don't misunderstand me... I'm not saying it is wrong to have a job.  I am blessed to have the job that I have.  What I am saying is that my job was an idol.  It had become more important to me than pursuing the things of God.  Whatever you put MOST of your energy, time and efforts into is obviously the most important thing to you, right? 

"You shall have no other gods before me." -Exodus 20:3


So I finally made the decision to give it to God.  How would we afford to live?  I had no idea, but I knew that we would figure it out.

"Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well." -Matthew 6:33

I gave my 2 week notice and began to plan on how we would live with just Bryant's income.  Blond hair that needs to be touched up every 5 weeks?  Gave it to God.  Glitter Acrylic Nails?  Gave them to God.  Gym Membership?  Gave it to God.  I started to actually look at the ads that the grocery stores put out to see what was on sale at which stores.  I started collecting coupons.  I love the Dollar Tree!  Here's the real kicker.... I am even planning on going to the Good Will with a friend of mine who tells me I can find some really nice clothes for cheap.  Now I may seem to be changing a lot, but I have to admit that as I just wrote that last sentence, I felt embarrassed just a little.  I almost didn't write it.  I still have some work to do. 

Sparing you the details, I will just say that I ended up being able to keep my job, but cut down to part time.  Now I work 3 days a week.  Praise the Lord!  I am making a little bit less income, but saving $900 a month on daycare, so life is good!  God has blessed me and my household.

So what does all of this have to do with the title of this blog?  Why am I finding myself repenting from Pride and "Making Much of Me"?  The title came to me a few days ago when I was reflecting on all the changes in my life the past month.  I was thinking about how happy I am with the balance I have now between work, marriage, family and ministry.  I asked myself, "Why didn't I do this a long time ago?" 

What was holding me back from living out my purpose?  Pride. I am very competitive.  I have something to prove.  I want to be considered  just as good at what I do as the best in my field.  In the business world, you are praised for putting in extra hours to do what it takes to get the goal met.  I never wanted to be the one who steps back a little bit and misses out on the prize.  I get jealous when I see others doing better in their sales than me.  I was trying to make much of myself instead of trying to make much of God. 

"He must become greater, I must become less." -John 3:30

Now that I work three days a week, I have to trust God that he will help me to still meet my sales goal in that time frame.  Also, if I don't do well in sales, but I tried as hard as I possibly could during the 3 days I worked, I will have do be alright with that too. 

"And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:19

So I will make the primary focus of my life bringing glory to Him.  There is so much freedom in that.  It no longer matters if people are impressed with me.  All that matters is that people are impressed with what God is doing in me. 

"If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness" -2 Corinthians 11:30

The ugliest part of pride is that is causes you to think you are better than other people.  I'm embarrassed to admit that for about 2 years, I thought I was better than my husband.  Yikes, ouch... I did not enjoy typing that just now.  I thought that I was better because I was a workaholic and he only worked part time.  I was carrying the majority of the burden for our finances and that seemed wrong to me.  I was judging him through the same eyes as the world and not through the eyes of Christ. 

Lets see what scripture says about this attitude:

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit.  Rather, in humility, consider others above yourself." -Philippians 2:3

"In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset of Christ Jesus.  Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used for his own advantage, rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.  And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death- even death on a cross!"   -Philippians 2: 5-8

When life gets rough and we feel like we are out of control, we often look for someone to blame.  If we can blame someone and hold them responsible for the problem, we think maybe we will be able to convince THEM that THEY need to fix it for you.  That is exactly what I was doing to Bryant. 

In scripture, every time someone went to Jesus and said, "Look what so and so is doing! It's wrong!"  Jesus defended the accused every single time.  Just read the books of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John and you will see for yourself.  If I listed each of these stories in this blog, it would get even longer than it already is, so I will go with one that sums it all up:

"For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?  How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. "  -Matthew 7:2-5

In Conclusion,  I have decided to flee from this prideful way of thinking.  If you are in my life, you have full permission to put me in check when you see this tendency rear it's ugly head.  I've been back in the word of God and I have so much peace and gratitude.  I have so much love and respect for my husband.  I am so blessed to be his wife.  I know that God knew what he was doing bringing the two of us together and I am excited about the plans that he has for us.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord.  Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans to give you a hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11

Repenting from Fear and Silence

Before I get started, let me just tell you, I have only a small idea of what I will be writing in this blog.  All I know right now is that when I read the word of God and I begin to pray and write in my journal, my pen goes on and on until I have filled pages without even realize it.  Often times it turns in to a message that I truly feel is not only for me, but for others as well.  So here it goes...

Sometimes, in face to face communication, I find that I have a lack of words.  It's like something just comes over me and I do not know what to say.  Many times I have walked away, after having had an important conversation with someone, thinking, "I should have said... ___________."   

Interestingly enough, this lack of words only happens when it is important.  You see, I can chit chat all day long.  When I was a child, my parents used to call me "Motor-Mouth" because I just never stopped talking.  The problem was that I talked so much that no one ever knew when I really, indeed had something important to say because I was always just chattering on.  I have done a lot of sales jobs in my life, and I have no problem talking to you all day long about the product or service I am selling and how it can benefit you.  With a cheerful voice, I can leave 30 voicemail messages following up with potential clients in a day, no problem.

When a broken, hurting person comes to me for advice, however, that is a whole different story.  (I believe that even as I am writing this right now I am beginning to identify the cause of this paralyzing silence that I struggle with.)  You see, the basis for all that I believe to be moral and right comes straight from the bible.  I am not saying that I am perfect and that I have never deviated from this holy standard.  I am simply saying that I do not base right or wrong on feelings or emotions.  Deep down inside I know the truth that I should be telling this person, but I know (or I fear) they don't really want to hear it.  I would not be able to live with myself if I lied to them, telling them what they want to hear, so I simply don't say anything. 

As a Christian, I have a huge responsibility and privilege to represent Jesus Christ to the world.  I have to tell people the truth, so that the truth can set them free.  I have to tell that truth in love, so that they will know the love of Christ through me.  Sometimes I am so afraid of doing it wrong that I just don't do it.  I am not saying that I never speak the truth or that I always find myself paralyzed with silence.  There have been many times that God has used me to speak to people.  What I am confessing to you is what I am realizing as I type this blog... I need to repent to God for the times that I have allowed fear to hold me back from speaking the words of truth into people's lives. 

There are certain people in my life who I know, if I am honest with them, they will hate me.  I know this because they have already showed me in the past.  Somehow I have managed to silence myself so that I can keep these people in my life.  I learned to "celebrate" with them when they are happy, even if what they are happy about is rooted in sin and false fulfillment.  Why do I do this?  Why do I care more about them "liking" me than I care about the destiny of their soul in eternity?  How selfish is it for me as a Christian to keep the truth of salvation to myself so that my friends and family can like me?  Jesus did not come down to this earth, live a perfectly holy life in the flesh, endure torture, persecution and death, to be raised from the dead so that my sins may be forgiven so that I would be concerned with making the world like me! 

In fact, here is what the bible says will happen when you choose to live your life for Jesus Christ:

"You will be hated by everyone because of me, but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved." -Matthew 10:22

"Blessed are you when people hate you, when they exclude you and insult you and reject your name as evil because of the Son of Man.   Rejoice in that day and leap for joy, because great is your reward in heaven.  For that is how their ancestors treated the prophets." -Luke 6:22-23

And here is what the bible says about fear and proclaiming the gospel:

"Yet at the same time, many, even among the leaders believed in him.  But because of the Pharisees they would not openly acknowledge their faith for fear they would be put out of the synagogue, for they loved human praise more than praise from God." -John 12: 42-43

"For the spirit of God does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.  So do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord or me his prisoner.  Rather, join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God." -2 Timothy 7-8

"For I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God that brings salvation to everyone who believes: first to the Jew, then to the Gentile.  For in the gospel the righteousness of God is revealed- a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written, 'the righteous will live by faith.' " -Romans 1:16-17

So here in this blog, I will tell the truth.  These words will minister to me and teach me as they are being written.  Today I learned that I need to repent from allowing fear to paralyze me from pointing people towards the truth.  I need to repent from desiring people to like me more than I desire to lead them to Jesus Christ.   Not only will I make this change by writing this blog, but I will commit to speaking the truth in my daily life.  I may lose friends and family members.   I may be called  "judgemental".  I will commit myself to speak the truth in love. 

Thank You for checking out my first blog!  Here I will share what I am learning as I seek God with all of my heart. If you want to know the truth of what God says about your life, join me here in future blogs.  If you want to believe that you are already a "good person" and that you do not need to be forgiven for anything, you are also welcome to read these blogs... just know that you might not like me anymore after you read them... and I will have to be alright with that, because I love you with the love of Jesus Christ.