Tone it down a bit will you?

The moment we decide that we want to live our life 100% sold out for Jesus Christ, we feel excited for the adventure to come.  We envision ourselves receiving blessing upon blessing in our family and our relationships. We see God using us to change the world.  We dream of all of the amazing things that God will use us to do in this world for his glory.  We assume that those people who are close to us will be happy about the decision we have made to change for the better.

We don't think much about persecution.  We don't consider being hated by those people who used to be close to us.  We still have no idea about the trials and tribulations that are to come in order to strengthen us as a believer and rid us of superficial faith.  In order to become deeply rooted followers of Christ, we will have to say "NO!" to some pretty heavy temptation.  We will have to say "Yes Lord!" to some pretty crazy ideas.  We will have to sit still and trust him when we feel like taking over and handling the situation on our own.  We will have to cling to the encouragement found in scripture when people closest to us say hurtful things in an attempt to bring us back to our former way of life.

When we read that we are the light of the world, we imagine people looking at us thinking, "Oh wow, look at that beautiful and glorious light!" The truth is, light is not always an admirable thing.  Many people's eyes are so accustomed to darkness that our light is blinding to them and it hurts.  They want nothing to do with it because it exposes something inside of them that they would rather keep hidden.  The minute they see our light they either squeeze their eyes tightly and turn away from it, or they reach for their sunglasses to tone it down a bit.

Perplexed, we contemplate in our own mind as to what is causing this negative reaction to the newfound life, hope and purpose that we are so ecstatic about.  How can something so wonderful be hated so passionately? This was not the reaction that we had hoped for.  This is not how it played out in our imagination.  There is now a noticeable friction between ourselves and the world in which we live.  The world is no longer comfortable with us and we are no longer comfortable with the ways of the world which are our former ways of life.

Many new Christians get to this point and they have a decision to make.  It is a fork in the road which God places in front of us.  It has a sign with one arrow pointing one way saying "The World" and the other arrow pointing the other way saying "Jesus Christ."  Sadly, not even realizing that this is what is happening, many new Christians decide to take the path of the world, because they believe that the resistance and rejection they are experiencing is too much for them.  They would rather please their childhood friends and family members than God.  They don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable so they switch their light switch to "OFF."


Now they fit in again.  Now their friends feel comfortable around them again. Everyone else is happy again, so they should be too right? The problem is, this Christian who decided to go back to their former ways of life is now feeling empty inside again.  They have removed God from the throne of their heart and replaced him with something or someone else.  Maybe it's a party lifestyle, a boyfriend or girlfriend, money, success, drugs, pornography or workaholism.  The problem is that none of the replacements for God will ever satisfy the way that God satisfied.  They never love us back the way that God loves us back.  Now we are ashamed of our choice, but so deep into it that we would rather keep trying to make it work than admit that we need to go back to our true love, our true peace, our true fulfillment.

Meanwhile, all of the broken and hurting people who desperately needed to see our light can't find any light.  There are divine appointments that God sets up for us where he will use us to influence the lives of others in a very powerful and life changing way.  So the problem is, we not only chose the world over God, but we chose the ways of this world over the lives that we were meant to impact for his glory.  There were those who desperately wanted to hear what we had to say, but we allowed ourselves to be silenced by those who didn't want to hear what we had to say.

Friends, we must make a choice.  Are we in this thing or not? If we are truly in this "living for Christ" thing, here are some words from Jesus himself that should be considered...

"Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,

    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

 “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.  Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

 “You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot.
 “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden.  Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.  In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven." -Matthew 5:10-16

"You will be hated by everyone because of me, but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved."-Matthew 10:22


"Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell. Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care.^[a] And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
“Whoever acknowledges me before others, I will also acknowledge before my Father in heaven. But whoever disowns me before others, I will disown before my Father in heaven.
“Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn

“‘a man against his father,
    a daughter against her mother,
a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law—
    a man’s enemies will be the members of his own household.’^[b]

“Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. Whoever does not take up their cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it.

“Anyone who welcomes you welcomes me, and anyone who welcomes me welcomes the one who sent me. Whoever welcomes a prophet as a prophet will receive a prophet’s reward, and whoever welcomes a righteous person as a righteous person will receive a righteous person’s reward. And if anyone gives even a cup of cold water to one of these little ones who is my disciple, truly I tell you, that person will certainly not lose their reward.” -Matthew 10:28-42


We want to be like him right?  He suffered.  He chose rejection and betrayal in this world to receive acceptance and love in the world to come.  Everything we do and think is different when we have our mind set on eternity and not on the temporary trappings of this world.  Be a light, even when it hurts.  One day, all will acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord.  The reward is great for those who choose to acknowledge it now.  

Heart Condition: Part 3, Guarding Your Heart...

             "Above all else, guard your heart,

                            for everything you do flows from it."

                                                                         -Proverbs 4:23

I had come to a point at 20 years old, where I wanted to come back to Christ, but the pull of the world's evil was so heavy on me that I thought I would never escape it's grasp.  I would go to church on Sunday, cry my eyes out during worship and feel so drawn to Jesus.  By Wednesday I would find myself flirting with my male co-workers at the gym I was working at, acting just like the "Old Lindsay. "

           Inside of my mind I was screaming,

                                      "What am I doing????"

I had such a wayward spirit.

(wayward: turning away from what is right or proper; willful)

I felt trapped in this pattern.  It felt like there was no escaping it. 

I had not yet learned how to allow Christ to help me protect and guard my heart.

 

Over Time, I made relationships with some encouraging sisters in Christ who instructed and guided me on how to live my life with Jesus Christ on the throne of my heart.  What that means is this... He sits high and exalted there.  Nothing takes precedence over Him. 

No man takes precedence over Him.  No job takes precedence over Him.  No friends take precedence over Him.  No fancy things, no silver or gold, no amount of fun partying or temporary satisfaction of this world takes precedence over the King of Kings and Lord of Lords who sits upon the throne of my heart. 

This may sound like a fancy way of saying that you sacrifice all your fun to God.  That would be a tragic misunderstanding of what I am saying.   You see, He pursued me with a passionate, redeeming love and proved Himself worthy of that place in my heart.  He allowed me to feel His presence and become so enthralled by Him that nothing else mattered. 

Picture Jesus on the throne of your heart. When something comes knocking on the door of your heart, it is not for you to decide whether or not to let it in. It is up to Jesus Christ, who dwells in your heart.

"Jesus, Envy is knocking at the door of my heart. Should I let it in?" or "Jesus, Pride is here again and it already has it's foot through the door! Please don't let it come in!

When guarding our hearts,

              we are protecting what God  wants us

        to hold inside of it as well as

                                    keeping out

                                                                                the things that have no right to be there. 

So what belongs inside of our hearts?

Jesus Christ

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge —that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." -Ephesians 3:16-19

Love

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and

with all your soul and with all your strength."  -Deuteronomy 6:5

Faithfulness

"Let love and faithfulness never leave you;
bind them around your neck,
write them on the tablet of your heart." -Proverbs 3:3

God's Word

"I have hidden your word in my heart

that i might not sin against you." -Psalm 119:11

"...Take hold of my words with all your heart;

keep my commands, and you will live." -Proverbs 4:4 

God Given Desires

"Take delight in the Lord,

and He will give you the desires of your heart." -Psalm 37:4

Desire For Him

"Blessed are those who keep his statutes

and seek him with all their heart." -Psalm 119:2

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." -Jeremiah 9:3

Trust in God

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;" -Proverbs 3:5

Wisdom

"Teach us to number our days that we may gain a heart of wisdom." -Psalm 90:12

Gratitude

"I will give thanks to you, Lord, with all my heart;

 I will tell of all your wonderful deeds." -Psalm 9:1

Peace

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.   And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:6-7

Gladness

"Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;

my body also will rest secure." -Psalm 16:9

How do we acquire these beautiful attributes? 

They will never come naturally without supernatural intervention.  They are deposited into our hearts by the Holy Spirit as we seek the Lord through prayer, worship, meditating on His word and fellowship with the body of Christ.  You cannot skip any of these things if you want to experience the fullness of walking in relationship with God.  After all... look what scripture says about our natural heart...

"The heart is deceitful above all things
and beyond cure.  Who can understand it?" -Jeremiah 17:9

So what does NOT belong inside of our hearts?

If you have not read the intro or the first 2 parts to this series, I would highly recommend reading them now.  In them, I discuss the junk inside of our hearts that causes us pain, hurt, stress and distance from God.  Once we experience healing from those things... It is no one else's job but our own, to protect the beautiful new heart that God has given us.  What does that look like? 

How do we keep out the evil that used to so comfortably reside in our hearts?

                          You FIGHT!!!!!

It takes effort.  You make a daily choice not to do the things you used to do and not to surround yourself with the same environment that you used to surround yourself with.  One thing that will help a lot is to sit down and identify all of the small compromises that led you to the state you ended up in before allowing Christ to take his seat on the throne of your heart.  Who had you been spending time with that influenced you?  What places were you spending time at that effected your mind?  What kind of words were in the music you were listening to?  What websites were you visiting?  How much time were you spending on the phone with certain people?

What kind of boundaries did you have (if any)

when interacting with the opposite sex? 

Get alone with God and ask Him to show you where you went wrong last time.  Once you have identified those things.... take no prisoners!!!  Destroy your ties to anything that will hold you back from knowing Christ in all of the fullness that you can know Him.  There is a place of intimacy with him that has only ever been experienced by the people who were willing to make sacrifices for him and persevere through hard times.  Hasn't He already done the same for you?

As soon as you make this commitment to Christ...
TEMPTATION IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER!!!!  Stay tuned to this series to read more about the temptation that follows the believer's commitment to Christ.  Satan does not use any new tactics.  He has been repeating the same tactics for generations and believers continue to fall for the same old things.  The only hope is to know the strategies of the enemy and be prepared to fight back with the Full Armor of God. 

Lord Jesus,

I invite you to sit on the throne of my heart.  Help me make decisions that will guard the treasures that you have given me and fight off the attacks of the enemy.  Help me to have the life that you want to give me.  Let me not get in the way of what you are trying to do in my life.  I want to be obedient to you so that I can thrive in my relationship with you.  I want to be close to you.  I want your presence to be REAL TO ME.

In your precious and exalted name I pray,  
Amen.

Heart Condition: Part 2 More on Emotional Healing...

So What do you carry in your heart?

Here is a list of a few if the things that might be in there that will absolutely, without a doubt, hold you back from experiencing freedom in your life...

Unforgiveness
Shame from sin
Pride
Perversion
Addictions to Alcohol, Drugs, Food, Masturbation, Pornography, Eating Disorders, etc.
Strongholds
Generational Curses
Lust
Selfishness
Anger
Bitterness
Resentfulness
Hurt
Pain
Self-Hatred
Vanity
Feelings of Abandonment

There are more, but this is enough for you to get an idea of what I am talking about.  These things weigh you down so heavily that you feel like there is no escape.  You cannot move forward because these things are so heavy they are preventing you from coming anywhere close to the future that God has for you.

I remember a time when I said, "I feel like Satan has my arm and is pulling me through life."  I had lost control.  The funny thing is that the reason I lost control was because I decided to take control.  I decided to walk away from God's "rules".  I no longer thought I needed His guidance.  I thought I was becoming FREE.  I knew He was good.  I knew He was right.  But I mistakenly thought I knew best in that moment.  So I took my life into my own hands and just did what I wanted.

I drank, I partied and I had sex... and more.

It was fun... for a little while.  Oh how the enemy fooled me.  When the nostalgia of being a new party girl wore off... all I was to anyone was another one of them.  I no longer got that special attention that I had gotten when I first entered the party scene.  There was nothing special about me.  I had a heart that was full of pain and addictions.  I could not sleep at night unless I had someone next to me, or unless I had partied so much that I just knocked out exhausted and drunk.  I felt like I had lost complete control of my life and I was no longer worthy of God's grace.

Thank God He never gave up on me.

So what is in your heart?  Chances are you are not even exactly sure.  Some of what is in there might be obvious, but some of it is so deeply rooted that God himself will have to remind you of it in order for you to be healed.


"Test me, Lord, and try me,
    examine my heart and my mind" -Psalm 26:2


"...He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and 
will expose the motives of the heart." -1 Corinthians 4:5

"Search me, God, and know my heart; 
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting." 
-Psalm 139:23-24

Once God reveals to you what is in your heart that needs to come out, what do you do with that knowledge?  What you do is this; Ask him to purify your heart through the Holy Spirit by His grace.  When Jesus died on the cross, it was for our sins, our hurt, our pain, etc.  Forgiveness of sins is great... and that is one of the things burdening our hearts... sin.  But He can also clean our hurt and pain from things that were completely out of our control.  It is not something you have to wait until heaven to experience.  

By the blood of the lamb, we have emotional healing available to us right here and now.  

But know this!!!!!   When your heart is cleaned and healed up by God... you better protect what He has done!  What Satan sees is a soft, clean, brand new place to wreak havoc.  The first thing He will tell you is this.... "That did not really happen," and  "You are still the same dirty person as you have always been."  You must equip yourself daily to fight off the flaming arrows of the evil one.  Please stay tuned to this series.  The next post will be about guarding our hearts, which is absolutely crucial to our ability to live out our freedom in Christ.  

Lord Jesus,

Search my heart and show me what is there that is causing me pain and suffering.  Show me what is causing me to be burdened, anxious and distant from you.  Show me what does not please you.  Show me what is stopping me from experiencing the freedom that you have in store for me.  Show me what it is so that I am able to ask you to remove it from my life.  I need your power Lord, or I will be stuck with these things forever.  Remove them from me in Jesus' mighty name.   I believe that you are able to remove these things from my heart.  

Do it for your glory, In Jesus Name,

Amen.

Heart Condition: Part 1 - Emotional Healing

There I was in drama practice. It was my first year in Master's Commission, I was 21 years old and we were preparing to do a human video to the song, "Wonderful," by Everclear.   
I had been assigned the role of the Mom in an abusive relationship. Our team had spent time in prayer before practice. We had just started listening to the song so that Chris, our drama teacher, could explain what the drama would look like with each part of the song. I was focused on my role and wanted God to use me to minister to people.

As the song played, I suddenly felt overwhelmed with memories and emotions that took me to the ground as I sobbed and cried like I had not done in years. It was loud crying like a child. I literally could not stop. I was seeing flashbacks of violence, arguing, and myself as a little girl alone in my room crying and afraid. I was remembering the feeling of being at school and not wanting to go home when the bell rang.

The staff member leading the practice, Chris, knew exactly what was happening. He had seen this before...

God had decided to heal me in the area of my childhood right then and there during drama practice.  He was allowing me to feel every ounce of the pain all at once, so that I would realize what I was still carrying inside of my heart.  Chris had the team lay hands on me and pray for my emotional healing.  I litterally felt the weight of the pain lifted off of me. 

So this is how it happened; first, the Holy Spirit confronted my pain, then He healed me of it.  He pulled it right out of my heart and replaced it with peace, love and an increased measure of faith to believe in the future that He had for me.  I had not intended to receive healing that day. I was just there to learn the new drama that we would be using for ministry outreach. 

And that is how Jesus works. He is a healer. He loves us too much to allow us to keep our pain bottled up inside. But first.... He confronts it. It hurts. It is uncomfortable to allow Him to go there. He reaches into a place so deep inside of our hearts that we actually forgot it was there.

What He showed me that day was that He cared about my pain, He remembered my pain, and He was with me way back then, while it was happening. He cried right along with me while I cried and He had been waiting for this day to come. He had been waiting for me to come near enough to Him, away from all of the distractions, so that my heart could be healed.

In order for Him to be able to heal us, we need to allow Him to soften our hearts. If we have hard barriers of stone built up around our heart, we are choosing to shut Him out. If we shut Him out, we shut His super-natural comfort, peace, strength and healing out as well. The good news is that He is able to tear down the walls that we have built up around our hearts.

"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." -Ezekiel 36:26



There is much more to be said about what the bible has to say about our hearts. For tonight, however, lets rest on this. This is most important to Christ. He always went straight to the greatest need of a person. All of the other details He can work out on a one on one basis over time as we grow closer to Him. He knows that if He can accomplish a genuine spiritual heart transformation in us... We will know that He is real. We will know that He is a loving God. We will know Him for ourselves.


"Today, if you hear His voice, do not harden your hearts as you did in the rebellion." -Hebrews 3:15


Father God,

As scary as it may feel to ask you for this... I ask that you would reveal to me the areas in my heart that need to be confronted. Show me the areas that are in need of your healing. I believe that you can heal my heart. I don't want to have a heart of stone anymore. I trust you to give me a heart of flesh. Lord, You have my permission to have your way in my heart.

In Jesus' Name I pray... Amen.

Heart Condition Intro

HEART: organ that circulates blood; the vital center of one's being, emotions and sensibilities.

I am not interested in telling people what they should or should not wear.  I am not interested in telling people what they should and should not do.  I am certainly not interested in telling people how much money they should make or not make.  But God has given me a passion to talk to people about the condition of their heart. 

At the core of every person, if you look deep enough, you find the truth.  This truth lies in their hearts.  You cannot see it from the outside.  It is not obvious to the naked eye.  Facial expressions cannot give it away.  Only God can see what truly lies in the heart of a woman or a man.

We carry all sorts of emotions inside of our hearts that are attached to memories from our past.  Our mind and our heart communicate with one another constantly.  For Example: Our mind recalls a traumatizing memory from our past and immediately in our heart, we feel ashamed, afraid, angry abandoned or insecure. 

We want someone to actually know and understand the real us.  We want them to know what is in our heart, then choose to love us anyway.  The problem is, many of us do not believe that if we allowed someone to see the entirety of what we hold in our hearts, that they would love us enough to stick around afterwards.  If someone could see my envy, fear, hurt, lust, insecurity, greed, anxiety or selfishness would they still love me?

So there are a few ways that we deal with our emotional heart condition. 

Some people build up walls of steel around their hearts.  They let no one near it for fear of exposure and vulnerability.  Trusting no one, they keep everyone at a distance.  Other people have found themselves in a cycle of giving their entire heart away and regretting it over and over again.  They hold nothing back. When they meet a new person, whether it be a romantic relationship or even a friendship, they pour out all of the details of their life onto that person.  They may secretly be hoping that by giving so much of themselves emotionally, that person will now feel like they owe them something for the investment. 

Then their are those who we wish we could be.  They love themselves.  They love others.  They have their boundaries but they have not cut off their ability to become deeply intimate with another person.  These are the people who have the ability to fall in love, get married, stay married and live as an example to those around them of what love actually looks like.  They have healthy friendships and they make great parents.

How can we go from merely surviving our emotional heart condition to walking around this earth with a strong, healthy heart, ready to love deeply but at the same time remain guarded against manipulation or abuse?  What if I told you that your heart in itself was created by God for a purpose?  It has not yet begun to serve it's actual purpose... which is why it is so messed up right now.

What I love about Jesus was the fact that when he had conversations with people, he always went straight to the condition of their heart.  The person usually wanted to talk about surface issues, but he would direct the conversation to where it really mattered... their heart. 

Why?  He loves us.  He is a mighty God who just so happens to be a heart surgeon.   It  saddens him to see us carrying around the hurt inside of our hearts that we mask with smiles.  He is a healer and he specializes in restoring what has been damaged.  He sees more for us and for our future than we could ever imagine, but we will continue to hold ourselves back from the life that He can give us until we allow Him to heal and restore our hearts.

As  I was preparing for this blog, I found WAY too much in scripture to make this a one part blog.  So I'll call this the intro and I will release it in parts.  This study is blessing me and I hope it blesses you along the way.

Lord Jesus,

Thank You for being a perfect savior and a master healer.  Thank You for loving us enough to bring this up so we can deal with it.  I pray for myself and for each person reading this blog with me... that you would search our hearts and show us what's inside.  Whatever needs to be healed Lord, I pray that you would expose it and show us how to experience healing in that area.  Let your words come through this blog and speak to those people who you had in mind when you put this on my heart.

Amen.

Yes... that is a missing finger you are staring at...

When I was 2 years old, my Dad brought me with him to the gym.  This was a small gym in a small town and they had an area for kids.  It was not an official daycare... just a table with some coloring books.  I wandered over to where he was working out and stuck my little tiny 2 year old finger in the chain of the machine which pulled it through the pulley and crushed it off.  I was flown to a hospital in San Francisco where they specialize in reattaching limbs.  They tried to reattach my finger but it was not successful.  My veins would not connect to bring blood to the damaged tip.  So I grew up missing the tip of my left middle finger.

Kids can be so mean.  I heard so many different names growing up.  I tried as hard as I could to hide it. I moved schools often, so I always had to go through the process of seeing other people find out about it for the first time.  I never knew how they would react.  Some people notice it and immediately ask about it.  That is actually my favorite response.  Other people notice it and they are afraid to ask about it, so I notice them glancing at it often.  Then there were those kids who were actually so bothered by it that they made it their daily goal to make my life a living hell because of it.

As I got older, I became such an expert at hiding it that I rarely got asked about it.

So why am I writing a blog about it?  I want to talk about insecurities today.  We all have them.  Besides my missing finger, as a child I was insecure about my weight, my clothes and my hair.  As a teenager this got worse and as an adult it has lingered with me through the years.

Nothing was consistent in my life.  Sometimes I lived with my Dad.  Sometimes I lived with my Mom. Sometimes I lived in Elk Grove.  Sometimes I lived in Stockton.  Sometimes I lived in Citrus Heights, Rancho Cordova or San Diego (if you count Summers visiting my Mom.)

One thing that was always consistent was my insecurity with myself.  How can I be good enough?  How can I make sure to be in the right group of friends at this school?  How will I be accepted?  How can I make sure to hide my finger?  How will I lose weight?  How will guys like me?  How will I dress in style when my parents cannot afford what other parents can afford?

The summer between 7th and 8th grade I was going through a crisis in my home life.  It wasn't my crisis... but it became my crisis.  I decided to go on an extreme diet.  That was one thing, in all of the craziness, that I could control.  I lost about 10-15lbs in about 2 weeks.  My first day back to school in 8th grade, it was like a was a whole new person.  All of the sudden guys were noticing me and girls wanted to hang out with me.

So I learned a lesson, a sad lie that so many believe from the enemy: 
If you want people to love you, all you have to do is be beautiful.

I repeated this same exact thing during the summer between my Sophomore and Junior year of High School.  This time I did more than just lose weight.  I also got really tan and my Mom bought me a whole new wardrobe from all of the stores that I had always wanted to shop at.  I was HOT!!!  You should have seen the looks I was getting walking down the hallways of Lincoln High School.  I felt such a sense of momentary satisfaction with this new attention I was getting.

It was harder and harder to keep off the weight and I was not willing to gain it back.  So I began binging and purging to keep off the weight.  In other words, I became bulimic.  I did it before school and after school.  Sometimes 4-5 times per day.

But... everybody loved how I looked.

I ended up getting myself into some really bad situations due to my desire for attention, affection and love.  I was so insecure that I was doing almost anything to try and prove to myself and to those around me that I was just as valuable as they were.

Fast forward to the present: This is why I do Jr. High and Sr. High Ministry.

You see, I had no one pouring into my life at this crucial age.  I was left to fend for myself in this cruel world looking for approval, acceptance and love.  I ended up in a very controlling relationship my Junior and Senior year of High School because I had finally found someone who wanted to stick by me through thick and thin.  He was my everything.  I don't mean that in a good way.  He only allowed me to be with him, that was why he was my everything.  He was jealous of his own guy friends talking to me, he was jealous of me sitting in class or talking to people at lunch.  He was even jealous of me having time with any of my girl friends.  Before I knew it, he was controlling my life.

Spending time with teenagers has caused me to reflect on these things that I went through in life.  I am not going to lie, I still struggle with insecurities.  The difference is that they have lost their power over me.  How is that possible?  Well, if you get down to the bottom of it, you will find that the very purpose of my life is to bring glory, attention and affection to Jesus Christ.

Huhhhhhh???

Well... I wake up in the morning wanting to praise God and wanting to know how I can help others to desire Him as much as I do.  So with that purpose in mind... it really doesn't matter that I have gained 10 pounds, I have been breaking out lately or that I am missing a finger.  I find joy in the fact that I have been bringing glory to God and He is pleased with me.

I shower my love and affection on Him and He showers His love and affection on me.

God has shown himself to me in such a way that I feel secure in Him.  I feel secure because He loves me.  He is my Father and I am therefore, royalty.  This body was meant to be despised because I am only borrowing it for a brief time until I finally get to be with my savior for eternity and he gives me a new heavenly body, more glorious than anything I can imagine at this time.  Someday I will be made perfect for ever and ever.

But that someday is not today.  It is not on this earth.  I will never be perfect on this earth.  I would hate to waste my life away trying to be beautiful, while truly becoming uglier and uglier on the inside.

You know the crazy part?  I see pictures of myself in the past and think, "Man, I looked hot back then."       But I also remember how I felt about myself at that time and the demons that I was struggling with.  It was not worth it.  Now I don't fit that same cookie cutter mold of beauty that I used to think was necessary, but guess what?

I feel beautiful.  I feel sooooooooooooooooooooo lovely and beautiful.  My husband loves me.  My daughter loves me.  Most importantly, God Himself loves me and He is pleased with me.  I hang onto that.  It is now okay with me if someone calls me fat or makes fun of my partially missing finger.  It is okay with me because my security is not found in the opinions of outsiders.

My security is unshakable and it is found in Jesus Christ.

anxiety

Anyone who has ever suffered from anxiety can actually

feel it momentarily just hearing the word...

 Anxiety. 

 You hear it and something inside your core remembers and feels that sinking, painful, fearful and worrisome feeling deep down inside.  When I hear it, the first thing that comes to mind is suffering.  Suffering in my mind, and in my thoughts... heart pounding restlessness.  It happens when circumstances are completely out of our control.  We are doing everything we can humanly do to change or improve our situation and it is not enough.  Things aren't looking too good.  As Christians, we have a choice to make in this moment.  Will we choose to get distant and angry with God for not stepping in and changing things yet?  Or will we submit to his authority anyway?  Not only submit to his authority... but will we stand upon his promises?  You see, we have been given great and precious promises from the Almighty God himself.  We are not supposed to just merely exist somehow... we are meant to overcome.  In this world we will have trouble, but we can take heart in the fact that... our savior has already overcome this world.  If we are not spending time in his word, we are unaware of his great and precious promises and we lose the power that he has already given us.  We lose the power to use his very own words in our prayers so that they are powerful and effective to create change. 

This morning I was extremely exhausted.  I have had a hard week at work.  I have worked and worked as hard as I could and hardly sold a thing.  In sales, this is a seriously bad thing.  You see, the month is halfway over already and I am running out of time.  I need to perform.  If I do not perform, I am of no use to my employer.  That is just how it is.  That is the business world.  This is usually where my anxiety creeps in.  This is when I would normally get sleepless nights, my mind racing full of thoughts about what I could have done differently, or what more I can do to change what is happening right now.  How will we pay our bills if I don't perform? 

So back to this morning... I was exhausted.  I had a back ache, a head ache and my whole body felt as if I had been hit by a mack truck.  But guess who wasn't tired? 

My little ball of energy, Mikayla.

"Mommy, you need to wake up!  Who's gonna feed me breakfast Mommy?  Papi is not home yet, you need to feed me breakfast, I'm starving!!!"  O.k. seriously, she ate dinner last night, she is being a little dramatic.  Nonetheless, like a zombie, I walked to the kitchen and poured her a bowl of cereal just to get her to stop bothering me!!!  I drank my coffee and watched her eat and remembered a bible story I had just read the day before...

"Then Jesus said to them, “Suppose you have a friend, and you go to him at midnight and say, ‘Friend, lend me three loaves of bread; a friend of mine on a journey has come to me, and I have no food to offer him.’ And suppose the one inside answers, ‘Don’t bother me. The door is already locked, and my children and I are in bed. I can’t get up and give you anything.’  I tell you, even though he will not get up and give you the bread because of friendship, yet because of your shameless audacity he will surely get up and give you as much as you need.  “So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. “Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion?  If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”  -Luke 11:5-13

What if all of the energy we wasted worrying and

being anxious about our problems was spent

bothering God about them with shameless audacity instead? 

I know it sounds crazy to say, "bothering God".  He is not bothered by our prayers, in fact he actually yearns for us to seek him in every situation.  My point is... instead of looking to ourselves and not finding the answer... we could project our fears and worries to the only one who does have the power and authority to save us. 

David did that very thing many times throughout the Psalms...

Psalm 22

 My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
    Why are you so far from saving me,
    so far from my cries of anguish?
² My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer,
    by night, but I find no rest.^[b]

³ Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One;
    you are the one Israel praises.^[c]
4 In you our ancestors put their trust;
    they trusted and you delivered them.
⁵ To you they cried out and were saved;
    in you they trusted and were not put to shame.

⁶ But I am a worm and not a man,
    scorned by everyone, despised by the people.
⁷ All who see me mock me;
    they hurl insults, shaking their heads.
⁸ “He trusts in the Lord,” they say,
    “let the Lord rescue him.
Let him deliver him,
    since he delights in him.”

⁹ Yet you brought me out of the womb;
    you made me trust in you, even at my mother’s breast.
¹⁰ From birth I was cast on you;
    from my mother’s womb you have been my God.

¹¹ Do not be far from me,
    for trouble is near
    and there is no one to help.

¹² Many bulls surround me;
    strong bulls of Bashan encircle me.
¹³ Roaring lions that tear their prey
    open their mouths wide against me.
¹⁴ I am poured out like water,
    and all my bones are out of joint.
My heart has turned to wax;
    it has melted within me.
¹⁵ My mouth^[d] is dried up like a potsherd,
    and my tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth;
    you lay me in the dust of death.

¹⁶ Dogs surround me,
    a pack of villains encircles me;
    they pierce^[e] my hands and my feet.
¹⁷ All my bones are on display;
    people stare and gloat over me.
¹⁸ They divide my clothes among them
    and cast lots for my garment.

¹⁹ But you, Lord, do not be far from me.
    You are my strength; come quickly to help me.
²⁰ Deliver me from the sword,
    my precious life from the power of the dogs.
²¹ Rescue me from the mouth of the lions;
    save me from the horns of the wild oxen.

²² I will declare your name to my people;
    in the assembly I will praise you.
²³ You who fear the Lord, praise him!
    All you descendants of Jacob, honor him!
    Revere him, all you descendants of Israel!
²⁴ For he has not despised or scorned
    the suffering of the afflicted one;
he has not hidden his face from him
    but has listened to his cry for help.

²⁵ From you comes the theme of my praise in the great assembly;
    before those who fear you^[f] I will fulfill my vows.
²⁶ The poor will eat and be satisfied;
    those who seek the Lord will praise him—
    may your hearts live forever!

²⁷ All the ends of the earth
    will remember and turn to the Lord,
and all the families of the nations
    will bow down before him,
²⁸ for dominion belongs to the Lord
    and he rules over the nations.

²⁹ All the rich of the earth will feast and worship;
    all who go down to the dust will kneel before him—
    those who cannot keep themselves alive.
³⁰ Posterity will serve him;
    future generations will be told about the Lord.
³¹ They will proclaim his righteousness,
    declaring to a people yet unborn:
    He has done it!

David was in the regular habit of pouring his heart out to God.  He did not hold back his frustrations and concerns from his prayer life.  He was not praising God with fake and empty "Hallelujahs" while inside really feeling forgotten, bitter and full of pain.  No, he went to God with his pain and his concerns.  He brought everything to the table, then he praised him anyway.  He asked God "Why?" Basically, "Why are you letting all hell break loose in my life?"  But then he resolved that no matter what, he served a God who was holy and just and sovereign, who deserved praise whether we understand the "why" or not.  At the end of this psalm, he proclaims the victory that God will have when he does come through. 

Don't you think God wants us to be real with him?  Have you ever met someone who was always doing "great thanks and how are you?"  I mean literally, every time you ask them how they are doing, that is the answer?  I bet all they are to you is an aquantance right?  They would have to be, because a true close friend, when they are suffering, you can look at their face and know that something is wrong.  When you ask them what is wrong, there is a certain sensetivity that they have towards you, because you are their friend, they might even cry just because they know you can see the hurt and they know that they cannot hide it from you.  Maybe it is the fact that they know you actually care about what their answer will be.  You actually want to listen and be there for them.  Your friend knows you are not seeking a "great thanks, how about you" kind of an answer.

God does not enjoy watching us suffer through the week, then go to church on Sunday with all our pain inside of us, singing the words of the worship songs without feeling them inside of our hearts.  He wants the real us.  He wants to be intimate with us, not our aquantance.  He is not looking for us to say, "I'm great God, thanks for asking, I could sing of your love forever, Lord you are good and your mercy endures forever, I lift my hands in the sanctuary,  I am a friend of God."  Then get back in our car and drive back into our real, true life of burdens, pain and anxiety.  Are we only a Christian on the surface?  Or are we allowing God to come all the way in and touch every aspect of our lives?

One of my long time favorite scriptures...

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."   -Philippians 4:6-7

Stop demanding your requests of yourself!  Present them to God!  Don't hold them back from him!  You don't need to do him any favors.  He does not need your help. It is not glorifying him to do it on your own.  What is it that we have such a hard time understanding about the fact that he actually wants to help us?  He wants the credit for our success.  Then, after we have the victory over the situation, we will point our finger up to heaven and declare, "It was the Lord who did this for me."

He wants to hear how we are feeling because he loves us.  He cares about our situation enough to want to listen.  This verse says, "by prayer and petition".  When I hear the word petition, I think of those people who stand outside of stores holding a clipboard and a pen.  They bother everyone going inside and out.  "Help support this initiative..." or "Help stop this from happening."  It can be annoying right?  But they are so persistent!  On our way into the store we might tell them we don't have time, but then on our way out of the store, you can bet they will be asking again. 

That is the kind of persistence God is looking for.  Don't just pretend to present your requests to God... really do it!  Really expect him to help you and he will.  Bother Him with shameless audacity.  "God, remember yesterday when I told you I need your help?  I still need it God! I'm still waiting, I am desperate for your help and I know I will not accomplish any good thing without you!" 

"...And the peace of God, which transends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Ahhh... the peace of God.  This is what has caused Christians all over the world from generation to generation to shout out praises to God from the depths of their souls.  They can remember a time where peace didn't make sense... All hell was breaking loose in their life.   But they called upon the name of the Lord.  They presented their requests to God and they experienced a supernature peace that just didn't make any sense whatsoever.  The peace of God, brought to you by none other than the Holy Spirit.  This peace causes anxiety to flee from you, even if you are still in the midst of your storm.  His peace says to you, "you are safe in my hands" even though you are unsure of what the outcome of your struggle is going to be.  This peace causes non-beleivers to look at you and think, hmmmm.... maybe, just maybe there is something to this Jesus she is always talking about. 

"I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
    where does my help come from?
 My help comes from the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven and earth."
-Psalm 121:1-2